I haven't been able to post without getting emotional, it take a few months. But wanted to thank my mom who took immediate action to help us during our latest miscarriage. And of course 2 beautiful friends Jan and Maureen who had masses said for our baby I lost on Ash Wednesday 2019. The masses were said this May. This was our 6th baby. All our other friends and family members who prayed for us while we were in our holding stage I was about ready to lose my mind. Several good friends and family sent me cards, emails, prayer intentions, and physical sacrifices and especially our children's Godparents.
Walking into the doctor at 18 weeks and seeing him deceased on a sono was a shocker right after our whole family attended Ash Wednesday mass. "Remember man that you are dust." A perfect little baby boy, no defects, lifeless. God just called him home. As I walked out of my appointment alone-in tears obviously, there was a woman complaining wickedly about her small toddler son and her newborn and how she was going to get her tubes tied. I just wanted to barf hearing that. She was obviously stressed but hearing that was awful, but I so wanted to tell her how lucky she was to have a living baby in front of her. I called Brad once I was outside in my van, he was in shock and couldn't understand how. Then I had to tell my whole family. My mom called me later and was very upset and crying. Talking about these feelings brings back tears now. There was a turning point on the Monday following Ash Wednesday, when I woke up I felt different emotionally and physically, I even said it outloud to Brad. It was very notable. That very day I got a card from Lori in the mail saying she had done a holy hour for us, it was no doubt a small miracle. Doing stations of the cross two days after my D&C was probably the most spiritual experience I had all of Lent. The words of St. Alphonsus Liguori sunk in and stuck.
Our family waited 3 weeks to get Michael back from the hospital. We were able to hold his remains with joyful sadness- yes that's very possible! My kids all held the little bundle on the couch and fought over taking turns holding the baby. It was a very REAL experience and it was needed.
We were able to say goodbye and lay his tiny remains to rest in my grandmother's grave with the blessed ground of a Catholic cemetery with the help of Fr. Mainzer. We had peace knowing at the Resurrection my Irish grandma and Michael will be together!!
I am so grateful to our Catholic Church for providing us with the ability to lay out babies to rest and provide us with a formula for burial. This whole process cost us nothing. My cup runneth over for the generous funeral director. And again forever grateful to the supervisors at Patrol West who recognized this need for emergency bereavement without us even asking- some of them being Catholic is a tremendous help, they know when life begins. And one awesome Captain, I can't say enough good things about her, she is a wonderful Christian.
I was happy to prepare a burial first hand with Brad. He was scrambling for a suitable cedar box the night of my surgery although we ended up not bringing the baby home right away. I haven't seen that side of him before, it was actually stressful for him, we ended up with 3 in the truck. Making a burial cloth and baby blanket was good for this momma, what else could I do as a mom? I made one for a little boy obviously and just maybe made it as a 12" x 12". I was going to make him a blanket anyway. I slept with the little blankie too at night when I said my prayers. It was really hard to pray, I was exhausted too, but I was just laying awake in a restless sleep. Also the hot flashes...oh for goodness sake. It's all hormonal and eventually passes.
For the box, I couldn't find anything at all for a burial cover for such a small coffin. I made a lace like package out of the box. White seemed to be the best choice for color symbolically obviously. We brought flowers and a St. Michael card and Miraculous medal to place on top of the little cedar casket.
Many don't know I lost a baby- #5, Catherine, here at home while Brad was working, exactly a year ago in 2018, at the same time as this one, so please forgive my shortcomings as a friend, I was probably busy mentally. With the end of the school year closing in, I just had my hands full.
When I started to miscarry here at home, it started out with spotting and then full on contractions- like 'bend you over birthing'. And full onslaught of bleeding you can't leave the bathroom. I called Brad at work and he came home right away and here yet again another instance he was helpless and wanted to fix things but couldn't. It was the first experience I had seen that kind of worry on his face.
I knew the miscarriage was probably coming, I was due for a re-sono appointment because there was no detectable heartbeat the first time.
Sorry if you are squeamish, you can skip this part. But since I am a practicing pro-life Catholic mom I am not going to be shy. I dug through my toilet for remains. I wasn't about to let my baby be lost to a sewer. It was hard looking through it literally, and I probably looked like a mad woman with the blood. When your a hormonal mom this is what happens I suppose, because you love your children to the ends of the earth and back. Unfortunately I came up with nothing I could discern. I had horrible feelings over this for months and continually had to offer it up. I really hope the baby had dissolved somehow.
This lead me to a discussion with my doctor, and the need for a Catholic mom miscarriage collection kit. Its something practical and needed. I need to follow up with him and see if we can make this happen someday.
As for closure for those moms who are reading this and wondering what could you do for your baby you just miscarried outside collecting the remains if you are at home. You can see below how we prepared after my D & C. But either way please consider using the Naming and Commendation ceremony below.
The Naming and Commendation Ceremony
was actually formulated here in my Diocese, even by a wonderful woman who is well known in our pro-life advocacy office. I wasn't able to upload the file but this link to this other blog in the link above has the pdf you can print out. It is great closure of you aren't able to go to a hospital with a general burial. [A friend of ours has done the general burial for miscarried babies at the hospital and said it's beautiful.]
But back to the naming ceremony, you can use a priest, or a lay person can do it. We asked our priest because we needed it, it wasn't something we were up to for ourselves. I had a plaque made with both babies names on it. We named Catherine at the time we miscarried but I didn't have any knowledge of the Naming and Commendation Ceremony. I had called the funeral director and spoke to him about burial at that time, but since I couldn't find anything to bury I wasn't able to follow through. Fr. Mainzer did the ceremony for both babies this time though. It gave us closure for Catherine's miscarriage.
For a D&C...
#1 You tell everyone you want all the baby's remains. Do not let them tell each other, they are busy you need to be to the point of annoying yourself and tell everyone you want all the remains.
#2 Its not 'medical waste' or just merely 'products of conception'- don't let their terminology bother you. Let them know it's a human and it's your baby. You have a right to it. You have a right to take it home.
#3 Take a suitable burial box or something to transport the baby home. Sometimes the hospitals already have a crocheted little hat they put the babies in. You can make a memorial stone or plaque for the box after you get home.
#4 Again. Tell everyone you want the remains, ask for the chaplain to help you. Call the lab and remind them promptly the next day what you expect of the remains. Make sure you can names of people you talked to for accountability. I called 3 or 4 times and had I not, Michael would not have been back in our hands.
#5 Take it slow after recovery, light bleeding is normal and feels empowering that life will be normal again.. but the more you walk around, and move around- you start hemorrhaging. You need a week of sitting on you bum if your in the area of 18 weeks apparently, trust me.
#6 There are coffins you can buy, but they cost quite a bit. I would look around for a keepsake box or check Hobby Lobby for a wood box. No burial mass is necessary and obviously a baptism can't take place, but you do need a name, everyone needs to be named for judgement day.
#7 Call your local Catholic cemetery and see what they do for miscarried babies. Almost all of them have a place for free burial. Ours let us put Michael in the blessed ground over my grandma.
#8 No baby is too small to bury. We are made in His image and likeness, from the moment or conception we have a soul and are given a guardian angel. We are real humans at the moment of conception, don't feel like a drama queen for emotions you are holding. And seek support where you are comfortable.
We don't know our children we miscarry like we know our live earthly children we have right now in front of us. Only a mom knows the attachment and suffering that comes from just merely knowing you are pregnant. It's not something we can translate to others. We ache to hold our babies. I had to wait patiently for 3 weeks.
There are many organizations out there who help families of miscarried babies by making the little knitted/crocheted blanket for holding and burial. One in particular is next to my daughters Irish dance studio,
Bridget's Cradles. They are absolutely wonderful.
For those who have had abortions and are now regretting them and wondering what you can do to move forward and get closure and healing. There are several pro-life groups who are happy to help and support you moving forward. Sometimes it takes years for these conversions of hearts to happen, that's okay. The reality of it being a real human being inside of you is often blocked and disguised by all outside 'garbage' we hear from trusted doctors and friends or maybe close family members, social media or media in general, maybe even the father of the baby. Please seek healing! Don't live with it anymore! I really believe all sorts of mental health issues and depression stem from this and go untreated and unmentioned. Seeking forgiveness and closure is the only way.
I hope I have been a good witness to life for you, and I hope that you can find ways to help yourself through your miscarriage. Probably eventually we all know someone who has miscarried or go through one, and maybe this information can be used to help streamline phone calls and help eliminate anxiety. I hope you have a great summer!